The Batfamily's Introduction to Modern Culture
by hellcatfighter
Summary: How Batman & Co. deal with anything 'cool and hip'.


Bruce Wayne was enjoying a bit of free time for once. Sitting in his favorite recliner, sipping from a glass of Chateau Mouton-Rothschild (Year 1945), a copy of Vegetius' _De Re Militari_ in his hand. In original Latin, of course—it's always useful to brush up on one's Latin, especially since the Riddler had recently grown fond of changing around the languages for his riddles. Oh, the fear of forgetting the four principal parts of _premo_ in a moment of life and death. But Bruce was not thinking of the Riddler, nor Arkham, nor anything crime-related. He was simply enjoying himself. The grandfather clock had just struck ten, which meant that he still had another two hours before heading down to the Cave. He would have plenty of time to think about the dangers of Gotham then. For now, Bruce was content to have some peace and quiet, God knows he needed some. The dimmed lights, the subtle crackling of the fire that Alfred had so thoughtfully set up, the whole atmosphere was so perfect that Bruce knew for certain it was just too relaxing to last.

And it promptly ended when Tim came barging into the library. 'Bruce, look at me.'

Bruce promptly redoubled his focus on Vegetius.

'Brrrrrrruce.'

He never knew Latin could be so engrossing.

'Bruce, if you don't look at me I'm going to tell Diana you're reading Latin.'

The book fell from his hands as if it had caught fire. The last time the Princess of Themyscira had caught him reading a classical work he was forced to endure a hour-long lecture on how Xenophon's cavalry tactics would never have worked on the Amazons.

He grudgingly looked up at his adopted son. Tim was grinning manically behind his WayneTech phone. 'Okay, now raise your eyebrows.'

'Why.'

'Because…you'll know when I'm finished.'

'Why.'

'I bet Diana would love to hear your opinion on Vegetius…'

Bruce grumbled for a moment, and chose the lesser evil. He raised his eyebrows. 'There. Get out.'

Tim collapsed into a fit of laughter on the carpet. Bruce wondered for a moment whether the Joker had a capsule of Joker Gas hidden in Wayne Manor. He highly doubted it, but it was not impossible. He mentally made a note in his head to run that scan on the Manor again. Thankfully, Tim had quickly recovered from his bout of laughter and was sitting cross-legged on the floor, his red sweatpants clashing horribly with the Turkish carpet. Bruce did not like the look of evil intent on Tim's face as he tapped on his phone. The last time he had seen it, Tim had hacked Bruce's supposedly unhackable phone and sent mushy messages to Dick and Damian. Clearly intervention was needed.

He cleared his throat, and used his most authoritative tone. 'Timothy. What are you doing.'

It had no effect on his third Robin whatsoever. Now Bruce thought about it, his authority had been on a steady decline since he had first adopted Dick. Things had gotten to the point where Damian straight out ignored his field orders. This generation has no respect for its elders. He blamed Dick. It was always the first one where things go wrong.

'Timothy Drake. Stop what you're doing right this instance.'

Tim took one look at Bruce's ultra-serious face, and burst into giggles again, rolling back and forth on the carpet. Bruce took this opportunity to snatch Tim's phone out of his hand.

'What. Is. This.'

It was a video of Bruce in his recliner, with his favorite green Gucci robe wrapped around him. The moment the Bruce in the video looked up, his face was covered with the Batman mask. It was quite clever, Bruce admitted, but the sight of him with his robe and mask on was slightly nauseous. The Batman fighting crime in a green Gucci robe would definitely give the Joker bad joke material for five years.

'Do you not know Snapchat came out with a Justice League filter?'

'Snap what?'

'Shock. Horror.' Tim placed a hand over his heart. 'Do you actually not know what Snapchat is?'

'I have no time for useless apps for teenagers.'

'It's not only an app, it's the new communication tool for the new millennium. Oliver has it.'

'I take pride in not using what Oliver Queen is using.'

'But Brrrruce, how can you not know Snapchat? Like every other superhero uses it.' Tim reclaimed his phone and started scrolling down his contact list. 'Dick, Dinah, Z, Helena…'

'I know what Snapchat is,' Bruce gritted out, 'I had my lawyers send a cease and desist letter to a douchebag who was using my name.'

'…Okay.' Tim shrugged and went back to his phone. 'Hold up, I haven't finished sending this to everyone…'

Bruce had a sudden realization. Bruce Wayne…with a Batman mask on his face…he could feel the cold sweat running down his spine. 'Tim, stop. Don't send it.'

Tim did not even bother raising his head. 'I sent it already.'

Bruce's mouth gaped open. After twenty years, twenty years of acting the billionaire playboy, twenty years of control and perseverance, his secret identity would now be exposed by a stupid app. He felt weak. Tim watched quizzically as Bruce stumbled back to his recliner. 'My secret identity! Bruce Wayne with a Batman mask…you can't just send it out to the world!'

'Uh Bruce, that's the whole point of why I'm posting it on Snapchat and not on Instagram. You do know that Snaps disappear after twenty-four hours right? And that I'm sending them as DMs only?'

Bruce had no idea what a DM was. 'Of course I know that.'

'Then what's your problem? Chill, old man. Besides, everyone knows your secret identity in the superhero community. Well, maybe except Booster Gold.'

He absolutely hated it when Tim was right. Without a comeback, he grumbled out, 'Just get out and leave me be.'

His protegee made no move to leave. 'Don't you want to know what Diana's reply is?'

'She uses Snapchat?'

'Of course, she Snaps during the League meetings.'

'WHAT. Those meetings are highly confidential. As a founding member of the Justice League, she should know better.'

'My Gawd, you're uptight tonight. Did you meet Catwoman or Ivy yesterday?'

'I have no idea what you're talking about.'

'You're no fun. Anyway, I'll be going now, so I'll just leave you with Diana's message. Here it is—Mask on, robe off, plus the wink emoji. See ya, old man.' Leaving Bruce gaping like a goldfish at the closed door, once again alone with Latin and wine.

* * *

 **Just a stupid idea that came up while preparing for uni exams. Always wondered how superheroes deal with modern culture, as its not a super big thing in the comics. Might be a one-off, might not, let's see how things go. Would love to see your reviews!**


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